Your HEAD on SEX | What You Need To Know

 

Kids, if you’re going to be bumping uglies tonight, let’s ensure we all know what we’re doing.

 

Your orgasm starts between your ears. Specifically in the old reptilian part of your brain hidden under the neo cortex. It’s the limbic system which is the centre for your emotional drives, lusts and feelings or love that turn you on and gives you an orgasm.

 
All of stages of physical excitement and sexual stimulation are carried about by different centres in the brain!! Cool right, next time you’re having sexy time you can talk dirty to your partner with something like “Oh yeah, Jesus Christ, my limbic system, hidden beneath my neo cortex is suddenly releasing huge amounts of dopamine and opiates which are opening my brains receptor channels of pleasure and inhibiting the regulatory channels. FUUUUCK!”

 

 

(If your a biochemistry student and that’s factually inaccurate, I don’t care and if you do, then more than likely you won’t have a clue about the rest of this article. )
 
Sex can be broken down into 4 stages. These phases, in order of their occurrence, are the excitement phase, plateau phase,orgasmic phase, and resolution phase. Or in layman’s terms, these would be coppers, back to house and fall asleep, morning sex and taxi home.

Excitement in males

It’s pretty obvious when males get excited. They refuse to stand up for a few minutes or answer any long division questions in class.

Excitement in females

Physically it aint that easy to tell when a women is excited. Unless you’re outside a shoe shop when there’s a sale on and she’s on the floor having convulsions and speaking in tongues. But, with regard to sexual excitement, women’s boobies get bigger, more sensitive, the uterus elevates and the clitoris becomes more swollen, whatever the hell that is.

Plateau phase

In this plateau phase, according to science, there is a reversal of puberty and the males gonads rise back closer to the body, while he gets warm fuzzy feelings around the base of his penis and may secret some seminal fluid.

 

In women, more stuff happens with weird words that I have never heard about before. But they may start to vocalise their pleasure apparently. Like, they’ll say, “that’s nice” or, “Are you done yet..?”

Orgasmic phase

The orgasm phase in males is characterised by an awful sex face held for several seconds. Orgasm should only be attempted on evenings where wind patterns are steady and wont suddenly change mid sex face, leaving the euphoric male with a life long sex face condition.
 
Women don’t have orgasms so we can skip this part.

Resolution phase

The next phase according to science is called the resolution phase. This is where women want to talk and men need to sleep.
 
After sex, women’s brains release huge levels of oxytocin, which is the chemical basis for the feelings of love. It’s released when a women gives birth to their child, after sex and when they see chocolate. It’s very powerful and linked with feeling bonded and connected with others (or chocolate).
 
Men on the other hand get huge releases of melatonin, which is the hormone that puts people to sleep. It’s a biological fact that men NEED to sleep after sex, so ladies, bring a pen and paper next time to sex and write down your thoughts after sex and I promise we’ll get back to them in the morning. (After we have cheeky morning sex and another nap obviously!)

 

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